Once upon a time, we loved watching Sesame Street.
We sang along with Bert and Big Bird and even that annoying Count Dracula muppet. We thought that Elmo’s squeeky voice was cute because it matched our own eight year old voices, and we sincerely hoped Cookie Monster will get around to finding his stash of Oreos.
As we grew up, however, we realized how silly all of them were. So we traded them in for the Mario Brothers and the Duke of Nukem. And now as big boys with little kids of our own, we watch our cute offspring devour Disney and Nickeloedeon.
But once, just once, didn’t you ever wish Dora would trade in her singing backpack for a good old rocket launcher? Here are children’s games we think would be really awesome.
Dora the Exploder
First on our list is that annoying illegal immigrant, Dora and her henchman Diego.
As a Mexican outlaw, Dora has to fight the drag cartels controlling Tijuana, her titular hometown. To do this, she enlists the aid of her magical Backpack, which in essence is a mini arsenal equipped with machine guns, rockets, and a 6-inch mortar. She also has her GPS Map and Combat Boots to help show her the way to the cartel’s hideouts and blow them all to smithereens.
How many did she kill today? Let’s count kids!
Ben 10 Inches
If the flood of cheap Chinese merchandise wasn’t enough, Ben 10 has his own Ben 10 games by the truckload.
Our version is much more creative. The illegitimate son of Ron Jeremy (and he has a lot of those), Ben 10 Inches is on a quest to find his long lost father. Along the way, he will encounter porn stars, homosexual porn producers, overbearing directors, and a bunch of muscled men wanting to know if his sword is mightier than their pens.
Blue’s Balls
A few years ago, there was this annoying blue dog and his half-gay owner. While Blue’s Clues is now largely forgotten, we dreamed up a sequel where Blue’s beloved throw balls go missing. To find the blue balls, the dog and his gay master must embark upon a series of adventures that will pit them against giant Japanese robots, an evil scientist, and the army of the undead.
Towel Rangers
This remake of the classic Power Rangers takes place during their teens in high school. The Towel Rangers spend all day in the locker room trying to gain access to the opposite sex’s shower stalls. Standing in their way is the evil Principal and his black-suited Hallway Patrol, intent on preventing premarital sex and plotting world domination.